Miscarriage: Born into Heaven

I’ve decided to share my story of miscarriage. I feel it help with the healing process and let’s others know they are not alone when it comes to this experience. You may feel alone in the hurt you feel but there are so many other women out there going through the same thing each and every day. 

I’ll start at the beginning, when I found out I was pregnant. I was actually attending a wedding in Lake Tahoe when I felt all nauseous but I brushed it off as just a long drive there. However, the next day it was worse so I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. 

This was a stressful and very unexpected pregnancy but still a joy to us. Once we got back home to Orange County we started organizing for this pregnancy. 

At 10 weeks pregnant I had my check up with my OB/GYN and we listened to the heartbeat. Everything seemed to be going fine. Then on Tuesday, November 29th, I had my first ultrasound. During the ultrasound I felt a little uneasy because I couldn’t get a clear view of the baby and I wasn’t able to see the usual fluttering of the heartbeat. However, the ultrasound technician didn’t say anything and that was it. 


That evening however, I got a call from my doctor. I could tell from the start that something was off. But he finally broke the news to me, “the baby is not viable, we couldn’t find a heartbeat and there was some head abnormality.” My stomach sank but I kept my composure while we finished our conversation agreeing that a D&C was the best choice to handle this situation due to the age of the baby. Based on the size and development, they estimated the baby to be 13 weeks and 3 days when it passed away. 

Once I hung up the phone, all the emotions rushed and hit me full force. My husband came into the livingroom as the tears streamed down my face and came to my side, not knowing what was wrong. Just happened that my sister and mom were both there too and came over to comfort me as well. My husband gave us space to handle some of the emotions and came back for us to talk about what had happened a few minutes later. 

I had my mom call my side of the family to let them know what happened and my husband called his side of the family. The emotions were too raw for me to have to talk to anyone. 


The following two days seemed to take forever and bothered me knowing the baby inside of me had passed away. So when Friday came for me to have the procedure, it was almost a relief to know some of this journey was coming to a close. 

I was lucky enough to know my nurse, my anesthesiologist and of course my OB/GYN so I felt like I was in safe hands for this operation. They all kept me in a positive mood, even down to the last few seconds I remember before going under. Once I came to from the anesthesia, most of my pregnancy symptoms were gone and a feeling of emptiness filled me. 


An hour later, I’m heading home, acceptance and relief filled me knowing I could move forward from this. Knowing God has a plan and a reason for everything is comforting. I know nothing happens by accident and everything has a purpose. I may not see that purpose but Gods plan isn’t meant for me to understand. Plus, He has already blessed me with two wonderful children that I am so thankful to have. I am taking this opportunity to focus more on them and enjoy every moment I’m given in this life to live in each moment. I can’t turn back time so I don’t want to waste the time I’m given. 


I hope other women can learn and feel hope from this post. I hope everyone else has a little more understanding of the pain but I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. This is the life I was given and I have learned to love all that is thrown at you, even the bad. 


Times may get tough and this tragedy may surface the emotions again, but I won’t let this hold me back from enjoying every second with my family and being thankful for the life God has given me. This child that was taken too soon will never be forgotten. I may not got to hold them but they will forever be in my heart. However, I couldn’t ask for a better husband and children than the ones I have. 

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The Worlds Wrongful View of Christians

In today’s society, everyone argues for equality, fairness and tolerance. If anyone disagrees with a viewpoint then they are a “hater” or are being “racist”, “sexist” or “homophobic”. I don’t have a problem with anyone stating their opinion but there is a difference between stating an opinion and stating something but not accepting a different opinion. This is where I get frustrated with today’s society. 


I am a Christian and really try to hold true to what Christ has laid out for us to behave like. That does not mean I am perfect. I fall and have to work better the next time. But, I do have a strong opinion on controversial topics as it relates with my faith. The topic I want to cover today is homosexuality. I am wanting to clear up the issue with why we believe against it and touch on some of the common responses from homosexual people. 

The most obvious and most heard reason is that it goes against the Bible.

  • 1 Timothy 1:10
  • 1 Corinthians 6:9
  • Leviticus 20:13
  • Leviticus 18:22
  • Romans 1:27

These Bible verses state that it is immoral to have sexual relations with the same sex. But there are many other verses that tell us, as Christians to not judge others. For this reason, I do not “hate” homosexual people – in fact, I have a few friends that are homosexual and bi – but they all clearly know I don’t agree with them. We stay away from the topic and neither one of us shoves our opinion down the others throat. More people need to be like that. 


Without further ado, I just want all homosexual, bi, and transgender people out there to know that we don’t hate them but we can just agree to disagree. I don’t tell you how to live but don’t tell me I need to be all for homosexuality either. Just as some people like a certain style doesn’t mean it’s wrong, it’s just what they like and stand for. 

So I will not and do not post things like “Love Wins” or “Love is Love”, not because I hate them but because I won’t post something I don’t believe in. 

I know many of you will have different opinions and I welcome them! Please be kind as I have been. ๐Ÿ˜Š

๏ปฟPost-traumatic stress disorder from Abuse

In honor of PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder) Awareness Month, I am writing from my own personal experience of abuse and the affects. This post does contain graphic content that may disturb readers. 


I was in a relationship in 2007 that, at the time, was an abusive relationship but I was not aware of it. He was abusive in multiple ways and I was so young that I didn’t see it as abuse.

He was emotionally/verbally abusive by isolating me from friends and family, blaming me, accusing me, threatening me and/or himself. 

I was financially abused by him controlling my money and when I could use it. 

He used social media and texting to cause digital abuse. He would degrade or threaten me and harass me when I wasn’t with him. Demanded access to all my social media and would go through my phone. 

He stalked me at work, and any time I would be without him, he had a friend watch me. 


When I finally got the courage to leave him, I knew it could go bad and warned coworkers. Once I got home and told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore, I saw the anger rise. This was the first time I had ever been physically abused in my life. He pinned me to the ground and I tried to deflect his punches but many made it past my arms. He knocked me out and he waited til I became conscious to tell me it’s my fault for him doing this. He asked if I was still going to leave and I said yes, the beating continued for about another 10 minutes with him screaming at me. He would yell things like “why would you leave me when I love you?”, “nobody will love you after me because you’re damaged”, “I’ll kill you before I see you with someone else”, and “you are making me do this.”

Coming up with a plan, I finally said I wouldn’t leave, knowing he had work that night. He left and said we would talk later. Once I saw him drive away I called a coworker who picked me up and all my belongings and took me to their home to stay. 

We filed a police report, took photos and visited a doctor. 

The results:

He never was caught. Found out he was an illegal and was hiding. 

I ended up with bruises covering my entire body, busted lip, bone bruises along my jaw, swollen esophagus, a fractured supraorbital arch (eyebrow bone), and PTSD. 


I’m not going to go into detail of my symptoms but I have complied a list of PTSD symptoms I developed. 

  1. Flashbacks and nightmares
  2. Insomnia 
  3. Anxiety 
  4. Numb to emotions 
  5. No self esteem 
  6. Constant headaches
  7. Negative self image 
  8. Hypervigilance


Today, I have moved so far from the struggles I faced then and have become a stronger person. 

What I struggle with today include momentary anxiety and moments of low self esteem. 

I am happy with the person I have become and took a negative and turned it into a positive. I rarely ever have this experience come up and have moved past it. It take determination and courage to push through. Putting my faith in the Lord is what really got me out of such a dark place. My husband and kids really have brought that chapter to a close and I am so thankful I get to enjoy every day with them!

Feel free to share your thoughts or share your story by commenting below. If you would like to share privately, my email is cloe.pottorff@gmail.com ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ’œ

Sunday School โ›ช๏ธ

I don’t usually post on Sunday but I felt I should start since my faith is such an important part of my life. I realize that many others don’t share the same views and I have nothing against that. This post is just meant for people to see more of what makes me who I am and an insight to what I believe. 

Let me start off by stating that I am a Christian. That doesn’t mean I’m perfect by any standards but I am continuously working towards being a better Christian. I have grown up in a Christian family, my great grandfather was a pastor in Tulsa, Oklahoma for a few decades. 


Now with my own little family, it really has become more important to know the bible, Christ and God since I will be teaching my children. Some things really come to light. God has a plan for all of us, we may not understand it now but we will one day when we meet our final judgement. Giving your life for Him is an amazing thing. 


All I am trying to say is I’m very thankful for what Christ has given me and that is His undeniable Grace from sin. With Christ, we would all be destined to damnation. Today was one of those days where the sermon really made you think and made you want to be a better Christian. 


I hope all y’all enjoyed learning a bit about my faith and if you have a comment or would like me to write on a specific biblical/religious topic, comment below. You are welcome to share your thoughts and opinions ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ’œ