I’ve decided to share my story of miscarriage. I feel it help with the healing process and let’s others know they are not alone when it comes to this experience. You may feel alone in the hurt you feel but there are so many other women out there going through the same thing each and every day.
I’ll start at the beginning, when I found out I was pregnant. I was actually attending a wedding in Lake Tahoe when I felt all nauseous but I brushed it off as just a long drive there. However, the next day it was worse so I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.
This was a stressful and very unexpected pregnancy but still a joy to us. Once we got back home to Orange County we started organizing for this pregnancy.
At 10 weeks pregnant I had my check up with my OB/GYN and we listened to the heartbeat. Everything seemed to be going fine. Then on Tuesday, November 29th, I had my first ultrasound. During the ultrasound I felt a little uneasy because I couldn’t get a clear view of the baby and I wasn’t able to see the usual fluttering of the heartbeat. However, the ultrasound technician didn’t say anything and that was it.
That evening however, I got a call from my doctor. I could tell from the start that something was off. But he finally broke the news to me, “the baby is not viable, we couldn’t find a heartbeat and there was some head abnormality.” My stomach sank but I kept my composure while we finished our conversation agreeing that a D&C was the best choice to handle this situation due to the age of the baby. Based on the size and development, they estimated the baby to be 13 weeks and 3 days when it passed away.
Once I hung up the phone, all the emotions rushed and hit me full force. My husband came into the livingroom as the tears streamed down my face and came to my side, not knowing what was wrong. Just happened that my sister and mom were both there too and came over to comfort me as well. My husband gave us space to handle some of the emotions and came back for us to talk about what had happened a few minutes later.
I had my mom call my side of the family to let them know what happened and my husband called his side of the family. The emotions were too raw for me to have to talk to anyone.
The following two days seemed to take forever and bothered me knowing the baby inside of me had passed away. So when Friday came for me to have the procedure, it was almost a relief to know some of this journey was coming to a close.
I was lucky enough to know my nurse, my anesthesiologist and of course my OB/GYN so I felt like I was in safe hands for this operation. They all kept me in a positive mood, even down to the last few seconds I remember before going under. Once I came to from the anesthesia, most of my pregnancy symptoms were gone and a feeling of emptiness filled me.
An hour later, I’m heading home, acceptance and relief filled me knowing I could move forward from this. Knowing God has a plan and a reason for everything is comforting. I know nothing happens by accident and everything has a purpose. I may not see that purpose but Gods plan isn’t meant for me to understand. Plus, He has already blessed me with two wonderful children that I am so thankful to have. I am taking this opportunity to focus more on them and enjoy every moment I’m given in this life to live in each moment. I can’t turn back time so I don’t want to waste the time I’m given.
I hope other women can learn and feel hope from this post. I hope everyone else has a little more understanding of the pain but I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. This is the life I was given and I have learned to love all that is thrown at you, even the bad.
Times may get tough and this tragedy may surface the emotions again, but I won’t let this hold me back from enjoying every second with my family and being thankful for the life God has given me. This child that was taken too soon will never be forgotten. I may not got to hold them but they will forever be in my heart. However, I couldn’t ask for a better husband and children than the ones I have.
Cloe Pottorff 